Always Remember Me With A Smile!
Sulav looked at the
watch… it was past 3 am. He hadn’t been able to sleep at all. He peered at the
dark stillness outside his window and shuffled inside his pocket to look for a
light. Inhaling deeply, he watched the ember on the tip of the cigarette he had
lit and Paru’s voice echoed in his ears, “Don’t you love me enough to quit
smoking that horrible cancer stick?” How
he ached to see Paru, touch her, feel her breath in his ear, shift slowly so
that he wouldn’t awaken her in the morning. Her soft laughter that suddenly
reverberated into a loud guffaw, when she sneaked behind him and nestled into
his back, the cups of tea they shared as they dreamily gazed at the clouds,
counting stars together, splashing in the sudden rain… teasing, laughing,
fighting … “Oh, Paru, why did you have to go away…”
Sulav was a simple,
sensitive and sophisticated child, living with his parents and a little sister
near the lake of Begnas. He completed his study from Tribhuvan University and
was working as a tourist guide at Buddha Tourist Centre of Lake side, Pokhara. Holidays
did not mean much to him. He didn’t understand close human relationships much.
He didn’t really want to play table tennis with friends, meeting and talking
with relatives and even didn’t like to go home. He was like an isolated person
seeking for something no one except he knew. But he loved the outdoors… he felt
he knew what it meant to come home when he camped under the stars, or conquered
a mountain. That was until Parbati happened to him.
He remembered their first
meeting… on a trek to the Ghale Gaun and Gilung. He was helping out a friend by
leading a group on a short four-day trek. “What the hell… I don’t have anything
better to do anyway,” he had thought when he had said okay. The group turned
out to be six young women who were college mates once… a reunion of sorts. Parbati
(Paru, as her friend called her) was quiet until you got to know her; clumsy –
always stumbling on things or spilling something … but her eyes were magical –
filled with life and laughter. She was the last to wake up, the last to sleep.
If they were going one way, she would ask why not another trail. She had to
know everything. Her questions often exhausted him – what was that plant… was
the sky always so blue… where do the local kids go to school… what was his best
color… did he always drink his tea with two spoons of sugar… what was his
favorite nursery rhyme… what were his dreams … Before he knew it, he was looking forward to their conversations. “I’ll
miss her,” he thought to himself. The days just whirled past… and it was time
for them to head home.
The trek ended and they
parted ways. Paru slid a bar of chocolate into his hand when they said goodbye.
Sulav realized that he didn’t know a single thing about the girl who had
captured his heart the night before. The slow irritation at her offbeat ways
had turned to amusement and then to a quiet fondness. Paru was a true soul… she
always found a way to make everything magical. Her sheer curiosity and drive
for life left him spellbound. The night before they parted ways, they had sat
at the edge of a cliff under the canopy of the stars and softly talked about
their lives. He told her that he wanted to get to know her better after they
returned home… and she had teased that he’d have to find her first. As they
laughed and murmured into the wee hours, a strange sadness tinged her eyes as
she got to go to her room. She simply said, “Always remember me with a smile.”
A week later, Sulav was
desperately trying to find Paru’s number and address. She had simply
disappeared. He quizzed his friends for details but to no avail. Much later he
found the address of one of the group members named Pratikshya Ghimire and
finally the road to Paru’s home. Her mother opened the door. “Paru’s sleeping,”
she informed him even as she invited him in for a cup of tea. They sat in an
awkward silence. He was surprised that she would be asleep at this hour. It was
just past 4 pm in the afternoon. Suddenly, he heard someone shuffle into the
room. He didn’t even have to turn to know it was her. Her presence permeated
the room like sunlight entering the dark and changing everything. He turned
back with a huge grin which stopped short of spreading across his face. Her
hair tumbled across her shoulders in a crazy mess… she looked just the same,
but tired. There were dark shadows under her eyes and she seemed a lot thinner.
“I found you,” he
whispered. She smiled back quietly and joined him on the sofa. “Hi,” she
replied softly. “Are you okay?” he asked and she nodded her head. Her mother
slipped out of the room. Over endless cups of tea, they chatted about this and
that, but deep inside Sulav couldn’t wait to confess his love for her.
Abruptly, he got up from the sofa, kneeled before her and simply said, “Complete
me… complete this journey of life with me.”
Paru was silent for a long time… there were tears in her eyes and she
mumbled, “It’s too late Sulav… I am dying.” Then she told him about her
cancer, a rare form, they didn’t know how much time she had… a year, two… maybe
more, maybe less.
With tears of anger, he
stormed out of her house. Life is unfair… so darned unfair. He could fight
anything… but death. Death is inevitable. Paru got up from the sofa slowly. She
loved Sulav. She always had… right from the beginning… but she knew they had no
future.
Sulav called her after
two days… two days where he forgot to bath, eat and play guitar but spent
endless hours on the Youtube looking for some sign of hope that he could save Paru,
save himself. He then made up his mind… he loved Paru but why was he
questioning the time they had… if she would have him, they could be together
now. After hours of cajoling, arguments and debates, she finally agreed. They
would live together… they would seek and live the precious little time they had
in loving each other.
And they lived each
moment like it was their last… talking into the night, making tender love,
kissing and hugging, laughing and crying, trying not to think about the end. It
almost felt like she was okay… and then it happened… she was fine when he left
for work that morning, a bit weak lately but doing fine. He received a frantic
call from the maid saying that she had collapsed and was being taken to the Manipal
hospital by her sister.
It was almost as though
all the wind had been knocked out of his body… he felt a chill run down his
spine as he stood immobilized with tears streaming down his face. Then he panicked
and rushed to the Manipal hospital… cursing at the bad road of Lekhnath and traffic
of Pokhara city even as he prayed… “Please don’t take her away from me, dear
God, please… it’s only been five months, please don’t take her from me…”
She was in ICU. Her mom
and sister stood outside – silent and sad. She took him into her arms even as
he silently wept like a child. Nothing made sense anymore. The doctors came and
said that the end was near… a few hours, a day… no more. Their eyes
sympathetic, but cold.
Paru never woke up again… and with her some part of Sulav died. It has been two years now and the chasm of pain never closed… the sun shone each day, but Sulav never felt its warmth. Sulav never found his home again…
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