Always Remember Me With A Smile!

Always Remember Me With A Smile!

Sulav looked at the watch… it was past 3 am. He hadn’t been able to sleep at all. He peered at the dark stillness outside his window and shuffled inside his pocket to look for a light. Inhaling deeply, he watched the ember on the tip of the cigarette he had lit and Paru’s voice echoed in his ears, “Don’t you love me enough to quit smoking that horrible cancer stick?”  How he ached to see Paru, touch her, feel her breath in his ear, shift slowly so that he wouldn’t awaken her in the morning. Her soft laughter that suddenly reverberated into a loud guffaw, when she sneaked behind him and nestled into his back, the cups of tea they shared as they dreamily gazed at the clouds, counting stars together, splashing in the sudden rain… teasing, laughing, fighting … “Oh, Paru, why did you have to go away…”

Sulav was a simple, sensitive and sophisticated child, living with his parents and a little sister near the lake of Begnas. He completed his study from Tribhuvan University and was working as a tourist guide at Buddha Tourist Centre of Lake side, Pokhara. Holidays did not mean much to him. He didn’t understand close human relationships much. He didn’t really want to play table tennis with friends, meeting and talking with relatives and even didn’t like to go home. He was like an isolated person seeking for something no one except he knew. But he loved the outdoors… he felt he knew what it meant to come home when he camped under the stars, or conquered a mountain. That was until Parbati happened to him.

He remembered their first meeting… on a trek to the Ghale Gaun and Gilung. He was helping out a friend by leading a group on a short four-day trek. “What the hell… I don’t have anything better to do anyway,” he had thought when he had said okay. The group turned out to be six young women who were college mates once… a reunion of sorts. Parbati (Paru, as her friend called her) was quiet until you got to know her; clumsy – always stumbling on things or spilling something … but her eyes were magical – filled with life and laughter. She was the last to wake up, the last to sleep. If they were going one way, she would ask why not another trail. She had to know everything. Her questions often exhausted him – what was that plant… was the sky always so blue… where do the local kids go to school… what was his best color… did he always drink his tea with two spoons of sugar… what was his favorite nursery rhyme… what were his dreams … Before he knew it, he was looking forward to their conversations. “I’ll miss her,” he thought to himself. The days just whirled past… and it was time for them to head home.

The trek ended and they parted ways. Paru slid a bar of chocolate into his hand when they said goodbye. Sulav realized that he didn’t know a single thing about the girl who had captured his heart the night before. The slow irritation at her offbeat ways had turned to amusement and then to a quiet fondness. Paru was a true soul… she always found a way to make everything magical. Her sheer curiosity and drive for life left him spellbound. The night before they parted ways, they had sat at the edge of a cliff under the canopy of the stars and softly talked about their lives. He told her that he wanted to get to know her better after they returned home… and she had teased that he’d have to find her first. As they laughed and murmured into the wee hours, a strange sadness tinged her eyes as she got to go to her room. She simply said, “Always remember me with a smile.”

A week later, Sulav was desperately trying to find Paru’s number and address. She had simply disappeared. He quizzed his friends for details but to no avail. Much later he found the address of one of the group members named Pratikshya Ghimire and finally the road to Paru’s home. Her mother opened the door. “Paru’s sleeping,” she informed him even as she invited him in for a cup of tea. They sat in an awkward silence. He was surprised that she would be asleep at this hour. It was just past 4 pm in the afternoon. Suddenly, he heard someone shuffle into the room. He didn’t even have to turn to know it was her. Her presence permeated the room like sunlight entering the dark and changing everything. He turned back with a huge grin which stopped short of spreading across his face. Her hair tumbled across her shoulders in a crazy mess… she looked just the same, but tired. There were dark shadows under her eyes and she seemed a lot thinner.

“I found you,” he whispered. She smiled back quietly and joined him on the sofa. “Hi,” she replied softly. “Are you okay?” he asked and she nodded her head. Her mother slipped out of the room. Over endless cups of tea, they chatted about this and that, but deep inside Sulav couldn’t wait to confess his love for her. Abruptly, he got up from the sofa, kneeled before her and simply said, “Complete me… complete this journey of life with me.”  Paru was silent for a long time… there were tears in her eyes and she mumbled, “It’s too late Sulav… I am dying.” Then she told him about her cancer, a rare form, they didn’t know how much time she had… a year, two… maybe more, maybe less.

With tears of anger, he stormed out of her house. Life is unfair… so darned unfair. He could fight anything… but death. Death is inevitable. Paru got up from the sofa slowly. She loved Sulav. She always had… right from the beginning… but she knew they had no future.

Sulav called her after two days… two days where he forgot to bath, eat and play guitar but spent endless hours on the Youtube looking for some sign of hope that he could save Paru, save himself. He then made up his mind… he loved Paru but why was he questioning the time they had… if she would have him, they could be together now. After hours of cajoling, arguments and debates, she finally agreed. They would live together… they would seek and live the precious little time they had in loving each other.

And they lived each moment like it was their last… talking into the night, making tender love, kissing and hugging, laughing and crying, trying not to think about the end. It almost felt like she was okay… and then it happened… she was fine when he left for work that morning, a bit weak lately but doing fine. He received a frantic call from the maid saying that she had collapsed and was being taken to the Manipal hospital by her sister.

It was almost as though all the wind had been knocked out of his body… he felt a chill run down his spine as he stood immobilized with tears streaming down his face. Then he panicked and rushed to the Manipal hospital… cursing at the bad road of Lekhnath and traffic of Pokhara city even as he prayed… “Please don’t take her away from me, dear God, please… it’s only been five months, please don’t take her from me…”

She was in ICU. Her mom and sister stood outside – silent and sad. She took him into her arms even as he silently wept like a child. Nothing made sense anymore. The doctors came and said that the end was near… a few hours, a day… no more. Their eyes sympathetic, but cold.

Paru never woke up again… and with her some part of Sulav died. It has been two years now and the chasm of pain never closed… the sun shone each day, but Sulav never felt its warmth. Sulav never found his home again…

Always Remember Me With A Smile!